forgotten.

So tonight was a good night up until about 5 minutes ago. I now find myself miserable & lonely. Why? Well, I decided to flip through my scrapbook. Normally this shouldn't make someone sad I don't think. However, that wasn't the case. It got my thinking. I've realized as of recently that I have completely forgotten, well, not forgotten so much as ignored or haven't bothered at all to think about, my life before 2 years ago. Two years ago I moved in with my roommates. Just to make it clear this isn't a negative post about my roommates because they are amazing people. Anyways, I've completely pushed it away & every time I think about it, it shocks me how much I haven't thought about in the slightest in the last few years. 

For example, the co-op I grew up in along with all my childhood friends. Not that I don't remember them but its crazy how I spent 16 years of my life there, my entire childhood, and it hasn't even crossed my mind. I know this sounds absolutely retarded but it seriously scares me how little I've thought about anything besides the present. I've forgotten about all my high school friends & everything we did together. Things that I've experienced & people I really cared about. I haven't even thought about how different I am now and how everyone has drifted apart. I've forgotten about the person I used to be & everything thats shaped me. Besides the big things of course. I don't mean i've forgotten everything, I mean it more as I've pretty much pushed my entire life to the back of my mind. I feel like it's important to remember where you've come from & what you've done. The people you've met & the times you've had. More things I've ignored & pushed away: my stepdad. Or my ex-stepdad? Whatever you want to call him. Its awful. So awful. Him & I may not have gotten along all the time or always seen eye to eye but he was a part of my life for 15 years & after my mom, brother & I moved out, we pretty much dropped him. Haven't talked or seen him in years & I feel so awful to the bottom of my soul awful about it. How could we do that? I mean we were his kids pretty much and then one day we just left. Its terrible. But anyways, my point is I've completely forgotten about how big of a part he played in my life. Seriously Its crazy how much stuff I have completely forgotten about. Or haven't thought about I mean. I don't know. It really bothers me... Like.. what is wrong with me? Forgetting about my life with my family, the shit I went through a few years ago, how that made me feel & how it brought me to where I am, my first love & relationship... All the people I used to be SO close to.. how does someone forget things like that? I moved into Fanshawe House 2 years ago almost to the day & I have had so many amazing & memorable times with my roommates & friends even after we moved out of there and into a new house. But ever since i've moved in there (and here) I've ignored everything I've gone through & experienced, everything that used to be important to me. I mean obviously people grow up & move on but I feel like its SO important not to forget where you came from & why you are who you are. 

I love my roommates & friends I have now to death, I really do. They are such amazing people & I'm so blessed to be able to call them my best friends but like... I've realized lately that the people I now call my best friends know nothing about me... There's almost no one that knows anything about me or my life. There's probably about 4 people that know anything. It just blows my mind how I'm so close to these people and they know nothing about, well, me I guess. I've realized that I've lost a LOT of friends. I don't know if that was my fault or if we just kind of drifted apart but it sucks. It sucks because I sit here when I'm home alone and I can't think of one person to even call to hangout. I can't think of anyone to talk to when I need to vent or anyone that would just want to come over. Like.. outside of my roommates, I pretty much have NO friends. I could count on probably one hand my friends outside of my house. I mean friends that are actually good friends. Not work friends or people from school or people you know through other people that you call your friends. No. I mean people that enjoy spending time with you. People that care if you're upset. People that you can laugh & be yourself with. I pretty much have none & its been eating at me for the last while. Its just like, I blinked & everything was different. I became this different person & the friends I had weren't my friends anymore. The things that used to be important just weren't anymore. I've adapted to this completely different lifestyle that I've been sucked into and so absorbed in that I don't even think about my life outside of these people & this house and that scares me. Its kind of terrifying that thats happened. I know it doesn't sound like something I should be freaking about but one of my biggest fears is forgetting & that's all that has been happening. A big reason this scares me is because the old Kelsie would have never let that happen. 

That leads me to the point that I have NO idea who I am, where I'm at or what I'm doing anymore. I'm lost. I don't know how to get out of this rut I'm stuck in & I find myself unhappy a lot of the time. I miss just being purely happy ya know? I don't know. I don't really understand much right now. I need to figure things out along with figuring myself out but I have NO idea how to do that. None. I miss having stability in my life. I guess thats what I need to work on. Anyways I've exhausted this writing. 

-Kels.

idiot.

Things are so retardedly stupid right now. Why are what I want and what I need NEVER the same thing? Its so hard to let go of someone you care SO much about. I'm just so very tired of shit just not working out. This week has probably been the SHITTIEST week ever. Arguments, tears, anger, injury, no sleep, not eating etc etc. Awesome. Why are people so afraid to take a chance? I give up. Everything I'm trying for is just hurting me and causing trouble and really I'm just so sick of bullshit. I'm tired of people lying to me and treating me like shit. I don't get it, one minute its awesome and everything seems like its coming together and the next minute its the complete opposite. WHY. WHHYYYYY.  Like, fuck. Seriously. I'm wasting my time. Time to move on. On a mildly related note, I feel like I'm going through the same bullshit I went through a few years ago. I don't understand how its confusing why I'm so unhappy about the situation. How do you not get it? Really like are you stupid? We're supposed to be close.. and for the last couple months haven't been talking a lot. Now that you've told me your "news" you're trying to talk to me all the time because you know I'm not happy & I said you never talk to me. Like why do you even bother? I guess in reality I don't really have a reason to be mad or even upset but I can't help it. I'm just a big huge ball of fucking emotion right now and I don't know how to deal with it. I'm tired of being alone and having not ONE person that fucking cares. I know I'm being dramatic I have a lot of friends that care but still, I don't mean in that manner. I'm rambling and none of this really makes a whole lot of sense. My brain is just kind of vomiting into this blog post right now. 

Okay, I'm getting way too worked up for my own good. Now that I've kind of calmed down, Its a good thing to move on right now. Things aren't as awful as I ranted about but its still very frustrating and upsetting. Things are okay actually. But like.. I really don't understand myself when it comes to my emotions. I make no sense. I mean, as soon as someone pays attention to me its like BAM I like you. What? WHY. I don't get it. I think I just really want someone in my life and I'm looking for it in ALL the wrong places. All I really need is amazing friends (which I have) and to stop being a FUCKING IDIOT. Just worry about yourself for once jesus. 

So the other day I was doing dishes, washing the inside of a glass cup and it broke as i was turning my hand inside of it. Well, it sliced into the side of my finger leaving a big gaping flap. COOOOOOL. There was blood all over the place. The kitchen sink, the cupboard, the bathroom floor, a  trail from the kitchen to the bathroom, the bathroom sink had blood all over it & had a bunch of blood soaked toilet paper. Point being, I've never bled so much. Blech. Anyways, so my roommate cleaned my finger up for me and what not, I couldn't look at it. It was gross and I was freaking out haha. My roommates girlfriend took me to emergency and after 4 hours I walked out with 6 stitches. It is very sore right now and I keep flippin hitting it on shit god damn. I also can't do fuck all at work since I can't grab anything its retarded. But anyways, that was my big injury.

That's all for now.

-Kels.

blank.

Sometimes I think I made a huge mistake... 

even the best fall down sometimes.

Well, everything I thought I was so sure of is gone. Not to sound so negative, I don't necessarily mean that in a bad way. Life has a way of throwing things at us that we don't expect, some of which, insanely hard to deal with. I feel like my life is constantly flipping around and it is kinda hard to deal with sometimes. Not everything ends up the way we thought it would or the way that we hoped it would. These last few years have been the most amazing years of my life. Even though I've gone through some pretty difficult things in the last few years, they have been such indescribably incredible years and I've learned SO much not only about myself, but about life and just people in general. I've met such amazing people, who I am happy to call my best friends and pretty much family. I've developed such amazing relationships that I am insanely grateful for & as hard and difficult as some things have been, they make it so much easier just by being around. I can't even describe my love for these people, you have no idea. When I first moved here, I was going through such a hard time and did not expect to meet such amazing people let alone end up making such great friends. I just feel like it is important to let you know how incredible these people are. I guess one of the points of me telling you this is that even though life can throw you such difficult things to experience, you can only use it as a learning experience. I am so grateful for everything that happened because it led me here and to meeting my best friends. I've learned so much in these last few years its ridiculous. Ah, like, I don't even know how to put the rest of my thoughts into words right now. Life is so amazing I can't even begin to talk about what I'm thinking. It's just so crazy seeing the journey we go through in life. I don't know, this might be really cheesy or weird to talk about but I'm serious haha. I've gotten to a place where I've discovered so many things about myself, I feel like... hmm.. I don't know how to put this. I feel like I'm so close to completely knowing who I am. Though there are always new things to learn about ourselves of course. I am grateful for all the friends that have come and gone, the ones that have stayed and the experiences I have had. It's insane looking back on everything and realizing how much each and every person or experience has changed and influenced me. I know I've just gone in circles, repeating myself and telling you how grateful i am and how awesome these people are haha. For that I am sorry. I seriously can't stress it enough though. 


Right now I am so very happy. I've realized lately how much I enjoy being single. Not because it means I can do whatever I want and be crazy lol I mean it as I enjoy being independent and not having to answer to someone. I mean I would like to have a relationship but I feel like I'm at a point in my life where I just need to do things for me, things I enjoy and want to do, ya know? Unless I find someone that changes that opinion haha. But seriously, soon my roommates and I are moving into a new place which I am SO pumped for. I'm so excited to move and be somewhere new, specially with them its just going to be so great. 


A few things:


1. Fuck people that hate on you. Not worth your time. Move on and ignore it.
2. Don't be afraid to take chances. I'm learning how important it is. 
3. Enjoy your life. Experience as many things as you possibly can.
4. Never, ever settle for something that doesn't make you happy. No matter what the case may be.
5. I just love everyone in my life right now. haha. 


Anyways, thanks for listening to my little rant about life and my roommates haha I hope I didn't bore you to death. 


-Kels

well, its been a while!

Well, hello! Its been quite a while! haha. SO. Since last post, a few things have happened (probably more than i can remember to talk about but here's a few things). So first, my birthday went by in February! I turned 22. I will graciously accept your late happy birthdays haha thank you thank you. So that was fun; a lot of my old friends came which was nice & also my cousin! Shortly after, at the beginning of March, Keaton and I got back together. :) So far its great. He loves me. I love him. He's the one for me I think. Even though he drives me crazy and some days I just want to punch him, I love him to death haha. What man doesn't drive a woman crazy right? So we've been together for almost 2 months now. What next.. hmm.. well, there was St.Patty's day haha. That was a blast of course. My roommates and I had a couch in the back of Trev's truck and just sat there allllll day in the sun. It was awesome haha. Around 8:30 I went to see my cousin & our friends and that was fun too! kicked a ball around and chilled for a bit :) I love hanging out with them they're always a good time. So easy going and awesome. I went to my mom's for easter. Took the train, always fun. Had a bomb dinner (i love my food) and played an insane amount of card games (or GAME rather, as per usual). It was a nice weekend! We went up to the roof of their apartment and took some photos, went to the dog park... it was just nice to get out of town and visit my mom and Darren :) Hmm.. Well, my brother's birthday was on the 24th (4 days ago) so i made all of my statuses about him lol My grandma's birthday is in 2 days so today we had a family potluck for her birthday which was AWESOME! I love hanging out with my family so much. Seriously, so much. So yesterday i had a long work day and then went to the grocery store to get ingredients for a dessert i made then came home to make the dessert, do laundry and then pass out haha. Today my mom and Darren picked me up & we went to get Rob & Erica. We hit Sobey's so i could pick up grandma some flowers and headed to Poplar Hill :) My aunt lives in the country which is awesome. I love her place. My cousin drove around on the lawn mower for what seemed like hours haha. We had a lot of delicious food, good laughs and a lot of fun :) I love seeing them. So that brings us to today! Tomorrow I'm going to see my dad for a bit, maybe go get something to eat. I dunno. Then on monday I get to hang out with Keat and on tuesday we are going to get his tattoo done! sooo excited. OH MAN. haha. Here are some things I am going to rant about for a sec:

1) I am grateful to have the people i have in my life. My family is amazing, my boyfriend loves me and my friends are the best friends in the world. These people make me ridiculously happy. Thank you for everything you do for me I love you :)

2) dear person i dont like: you are a BITCH. You were never a good friend. Always blamed me for things. You're selfish and rude. Self centred & everything was always about you. I'm glad I'll never see you again. You can suck it. Thank you for wasting my time and energy. At least I now know what to look out for. Good thing I have real friends that are nothing like you. Peace bitch i hope I never see you again. I don't know how people like you. I really dont. So fake. Here's a big middle finger for you.

Sorry about the bitchy part. Its been bothering me and I needed to bitch about it.

ANYWAYS Thanks for reading! I had an amazing day and I'll try to post more often! :):)

- Kels!

time for change.

I'm really frustrated and upset tonight. I'm not going to go into detail with it but to sum it up, I wish people appreciated the things I do for them. I really need to get away from Fanshawe House for a bit. I need my best friends. Dear Amanda & Allie, please come to me. Seriously I just want to see you right now. Also, my mom. I just need away. Right now. My birthday is coming up next month & right now I don't even want a party. All I want is to go to lasertag with my work friends, have cake, see my mom and hang out with allie & manda. I don't even care anymore I'm in such a miserable mood right now ugh. I wish I could drive and just go away for a bit.. On a side note, I want to move out. I don't know if I want to stay in London. Right now, I'm debating if I want to move to Peterborough. I kind of want to go to school at Trent because its badass there haha I'm getting kind of sick of London, I think. I need new people & a new place. I think I'm like my dad with the whole "i want to move" thing (random I know). He lives in a new place every year or two and I think I'm starting to be like that.. I'm over this house. I need something different. I want to pack and unpack in a different place. I don't know. I feel like everything is routine here. I know everything about London, its monotonous. I have nothing to explore & its frustrating. I seriously just want out of here.. not that i don't like the people, I'm just sick of it.. I want my own place & life. I feel stuck in routine right now. I dont know, I guess we'll see what happens. But as for right now, I am going to go do nothing some more. Thanks for reading :)

-Kelso

Re-cap.

Alright, so it has been a little while! I've been working and what not, I usually just forget to write in this. So I'll do a little re-cap of the last little while for you. Since last time, my brother and I have made up. I decided the whole fighting thing was just so dumb and such a huge waste of time so that's done with, which is a huge relief. I've also gotten rid of my cat, which is also a huge relief. It was hard to let her go but I just couldn't have her here. Things are much better at home now with my roommates allergies and all the stress with my landlord so that's pretty awesome. What else.. nothing really exciting.. Maybe I'll just ramble about some things for a bit. I've realized lately that I have attached myself to my roommates. I don't know if that's a bad thing or not but right now I don't think it is.. I just love being at home. They just always seem to make me feel better about things that are bothering me.. and we're like a little family. We're pretty cute. haha. But point being, I'm really glad I am where I am and that I've met the people I've met. It's also christmas time, which has made me think of a few things. First being, since I have absolutely no money for christmas, I have realized how much this holiday really revolves around gifts. I honestly never really noticed as much as I do now & it's ridiculous. I'm not against the whole gift idea, but people go waaayyy over board with it. I feel like people should be more concerned with just enjoying the company of friends and family than buying/receiving gifts. I don't know.. it just kind of blows my mind how much this holiday is about spending money to make people happy. I just do not understand that at all. I'm honestly so excited just to have dinner with my family and see them all again. Oh, and all the pretty lights. I like that too :) Okay, moving on. My second point. This is going to be my first christmas on my own. Well, last year I lived with Keatin's family, not my own. However, thiiisss year I live with just me and my roommates. One of them hates christmas so I don't think we'll be setting up a tree, meaning this is my first year without a tree at home. Weird. I miss having christmas at home with my family. On one end, I love living on my own and stuff but at the same time sometimes all I want is to rewind 2 years ago, living with my mom and my brother. I miss my old house. But anyways.. I'm excited to go home, well.. to my mom's house in chatham, for a few days. That'll be a nice break away from Londontown. I don't really know what else to talk about right now honestly.. I started getting restless and now my brain just won't function for me so I think this is the end. Hopefully I don't forget to write again soon!

-Kelso.