life & death.

Today, my uncle passed away. I just really feel the need to write about it. I honestly don't know what I'm going to write but I'll give it a shot. First of all, today also happens to be my mom's birthday. So happy birthday mom, I'm sorry this happened today but I love you. I've sat here crying for a good majority of the last 2 hours and I've realized a few things. First being that no matter how many times you are told to think of the good memories you have had with someone, it never makes it better until you have started to get over it. Honestly, thinking of those memories is just making me cry even more. I miss him. So much. Something else I have thought about is that people are generally ungrateful. I don't mean to be mean. I just mean it as a lot of things are taken for granted, including those close to us. We don't really realize it until something happens and they're gone. For those of you that are truly appreciative of the people you have in your life, I'm proud of you. Make sure you let them know how much they mean to you. Every single time you see them, no matter how annoyed they get. I feel like I don't, and didn't, do this enough. I don't really feel like the people you lose are really gone. Physically, yes, but I don't think that's what makes a person. I mean, yeah, a person is a physical thing I suppose, but I mean.. I don't even know how to explain what I just started. So I'll start again. I think they're still here. All around us. Always. I guess it makes it a little easier thinking about it in that perspective.. but I'm sure you've all lost someone close to you and can relate to how I'm feeling right now. I don't really think it has hit me fully yet.. Probably tomorrow at work it will. Excellent. Anyways, I've felt really alone lately, but today I've seen that I'm not really alone. There have been quite a few people that have been supportive and helpful today and I'm so grateful for that. Mildly off topic, it bothers me that some people are only a "friend" when something like this happens. Not that anyone is like that to me. It just came to my head. I feel like people do this just so they can stay in the "friend" category. You know, as long as they're there in extreme moments, then they must be a friend right? Wrong. Fuck you. Just thought I'd throw that out there. Anyways, back on topic. I find it strange (and very upsetting) that this occurred on my mom's birthday. I'm sorry mom, but I hope you had a wonderful day besides all of this. Death on a birthday.. makes me think. For the time being, it is making me feel a little better writing about this. Though I know that won't be the case when I go to bed, or for the next few days for that matter. So I'm sorry in advanced to anyone I'm rude to. I am unsure when the visitation or the funeral is right now.. But I'm sure I will make another post in the next few days to talk about how I'm doing. Right now, though, I'd like to talk about my uncle. My uncle Bob was an awesome dude (lol). I love him to pieces. My redneck uncle haha. I'm going to miss hanging in your antler-filled garage, shooting shotguns out back, and your humor. I'll miss you trying to kidnap my dog, your laugh, the things you used to talk about, your hugs, and when we used to go fishing. Even that one time with the headless chickens so many years ago haha. You had such a big heart and cared so much about us all. I'm just all-around going to miss you more than I can ever describe. I wish this didn't have to happen so soon. Love you forever & always. I hope you feel better now. Miss you. (L)

Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death.

lately.

Okay, so I have not wrote anything for a good month. Lots going on! I don't really plan on talking about anything specific so for now I'll just catch you up. So since my last post, I have withdrew from my program because of the reasons I had stated. Now I'm trying to work hardcore alllll the time. Last week I had 50+ hours. Though I know that won't be a constant thing haha As much as I wish it was. But anyways, so I'm not in school right now, just working. I've gone out with my friends etc. you know. I've been looking for an apartment lately & am applying for one on thursday (3 days from now) and hopefully moving around December 1st. So I'm pretty excited about that. :) I'm excited to have my own place and do my own thing. I'm also excited to do some shopping for house stuff! That should be fun. I'm seeing an Ikea trip in the near future. ;) Excellent. What elllssseee. Well, nothing besides the ordinary right now I don't think, I've discovered that men generally suck (no offence to you nice guys) and that I quite enjoy being single at the moment. Though there are interests. Haha. OH! I went to Peterborough to visit Allie last weekend! Not the one that just passed, the one before. It was a lot of fun! I hope I can go a bunch more times in the future. Haha. We just kinda chilled and watched movies, went for a loonnngg walk around her campus (which is amazing might I add) and went out one night, which was a lot of fun! :) It was generally just a really good time. I wish I could see her more often. And on a random note, I just poked a random red spot on my arm and now its killing me. Just thought you should know. I have no idea what it is but I just poked it again and it really hurts. I think maybe it would be a good idea to just not poke it. Haha. MAN even moving my arm and rubbing it on my side is hurting that red spot! wttfff. o_o. Anyways, that was not even relevant to anything right now. Moving on. I got sweet new boots and a new sweater. ;) I'm in love with my sweater. mmmm. I don't know what else to update you with. Well, I went to hang out with Ang & Jen on saturday and ended up getting locked out of jen's apartment with ALL of my belongings inside (including my shoes, coat, wallet, phone etc.) and then just kinda chilled with her brother for the night haha. It was fun though. If you've seen Snakes on a Plane, Flight of the Living Dead is EXACTLY the same except with zombies instead of snakes hahahaha. Like.. EVERYTHING is the same. The entire story line. I enjoyed it haha. Random. Also, watched American Psycho for the first time. Christian Bale is generally just very naked in that movie. Also random. OHOH. Also went out with Clara and Ash last friday (the one that just passed). We went to the rental office for the apartment I'm looking at, then went to Cora's for lunch (SO GOOODDDD), then we went to Whiteoaks to do some shopping and then hit up Silvercity to see Due Date ahahah. It was good I think. I enjoyed it. Good times lately. OH AND (lol) went to Jack's last wednesday with Manda, Allie, Mark, Kemp, Dave etc. It was good times also, didn't eat, chugged beers. You know. Haha. Excellent. Then I convinced Manda to walk to Mcdonald's with me at 3am. I seem to end up there on drunk nights. Yep. Anywho, all in all things are alright. Need to pack my room. I hope to move soon. I'm just so excited to have my own place you have NO idea! It'll be so sweet :) Anyways, I don't really know what else to catch you up with. So peace! haha.

-Kelso.

future.

Recently I have had major second thoughts. I have no idea what I want to do as a career & I feel lost. My main issue is school. Everyone around me seems to know exactly what they want with their life.. and I have absolutely no idea. Im terrified of ruining everything for myself. I'm taking this program that I thought I would enjoy but now I'm in it and I just don't like it. I don't look forward to school or clinical at all. I dislike clinical. I don't know what I expected this program to be but I honestly don't think its something I'm going to enjoy doing. So I don't know what the point is spending all this money and time on something I'm hating.. something I'm not going to use in my future. It makes no sense to me. So I'm stuck. I want to drop the course and figure out what I want to do. I want to work and save money and have my own place. In general I want to start fresh. Work, get a place, save for school.. you know. I just want to do something I know I'm going to love doing and right now, this isn't it. I don't want to leave school though.. I love seeing my friends all the time and I LOVE being in school. But I need to figure out what my best option would be at this point. So 2 minutes ago I talked to one of my friends, who will remain nameless. And felt stupid for how I am feeling.. I feel judged. They said I was just going to drop out and not finish something just because its hard.. And that Ive dropped out twice because it gets hard. Which isn't the reason at all.. I'm honestly really offended and hurt by what they said.. I left General Arts because of financial crap.. and right now I'm realizing I don't want this. This is another reason I don't want to quit the program. I'm scared of people judging me. I'm not stupid.. or scared of finishing something.. I just don't think it makes sense to stay in this program if I really don't enjoy what I'm doing.. doesn't that make sense? I just really need to think about things and figure shit out. I'm tired of this. Any advice, let me know.

-Kelso.

turkey turkey.

I'm just going to tell you how AWESOME my weekend was. Ohhh man. It was just so good. It was nice to finally have a good weekend and get out with people that are awesome. But anyways, I'm going to rant now about its awesome-ness.

So first, was friday. Friday I had my Paramed appointment, which was good to get done. Then, I met up with asian and drew for lunch at prince al's. so good. We went to drew's and then the mall. Generally it was just a good time. That night, I went to Cowboy's with manda, allie, kemp, mark & dave. Which was sweeettt! :) Also a good time. Haha.

Second, saturday! Saturday I basically slept all day until 3, minus watching Crash inbetween sleeping. So then I went to work for like.. And hour because it was dead haha. Awesome. But thennn that night I went out with my work friends to jen's and then to Molly's & The New Yorker place. Me, jen, ang, fil, eddy, ash & clara went out. It was just so awesome. Oh and it was eddy's birthday! So we went from molly's to the other place and to sum it up, we were all pretty well in the bag by the time we left (cept ash, clara & eddy because they left). So me, ang & fil took a cab back to jen's and she wasnt there and so we left and went to ang's and timmies and then went to bed at 5. haha. Best night eveerrr. Except my mom picked me up at 10. lol.

Sunday! Mom piced me up from ang's place and we went to see my grandma at the hospital, went to Brendan & Allie's, did lots of running around and then at 6 finally went to pick Rob up at work and headed to Chatham for the night! So we got there and we just kinda chilled and what not. Apparently my dog now knows how to high five haha so cute! I missed her. So then today, we were still in Chatham. We chilled most of the day, then had turkey and stuff around 3 ish which was SO good. mmm. But now I'm really tired from eating lol. Mom drove us back to London & we went to my grandma's to visit with them and my aunt, uncle & cousin. So that was good too.

Generally I just had a friggin sweet weekend. So good.

when the music stops.

Hey guys. So I haven't really written anything in a while since I've been insanely busy with working and going to school. So I'll just randomly talk right now. I wrote my midterm yesterday, got 40/42, so im pretty pumped about that. I'm going to Chatham on sunday to see my mom and Darren for thanksgiving, so that's exciting too haha. Not a lot has been going on besides working and stressing about school ahah. Well I guess there has been but I really shouldn't talk about it on this. I'll touch on it. haha. I'm just really glad I have such amazing friends, I've realized that lately. How many people are there for me. My uncle is in the hospital.. apparently it isn't good.. so I don't know what is going to happen with that.. I can't even imagine what would happen if that ended badly. Oh jeez I'm getting myself upset. Moving on. I miss my family, my whole family. So muucchh. Ugh. What else am I even able to tell you.. Just dealing with a lot of difficult stuff right now.. but I gotta keep going. No matter how tough. I'll be stronger because of all of this, I know it. Or at least I hope so, I don't want this to be for nothing. Though I know that won't happen. Anyways, back to what I was saying. I guess I don't really know what to say. But there is something I'd like to talk about. So here goes.
So maybe I'm just crazy.. but right now I'm listening to music with my headphones in my room. Generally I'm having a shitty day.. and right now just isn't great. I want to go to bed.. but I'm scared to take my headphones off. Am I crazy? Has anybody ever felt like this? Probably not.. I'm afraid of the silence.. I'm afraid to leave myself alone with my thoughts. I don't want what I've been feeling all night to come back as soon as I turn my music off. So I'm sitting here, exhausted and not letting myself go to bed because I'm afraid. Of something as stupid as taking my headphones off. I wish my iPod wasn't dead. Then I could just go to sleep with them in. Honestly, does anybody know what I'm talking about? Right now I feel so dumb. But I'm seriously afraid. Maybe because of all the shit that I've been going through. I just don't want to feel shitty anymore. And I know that as soon as I go to bed, I'll feel that way. I won't be able to stop myself from thinking about everything thats hurting me. That scares me. I need something good to think about.. to keep my mind from thinking about the bad shit. Any ideas? I doubt it. its almost midnight. But anyways..
That's all. Still alive. Still functioning (for now).

-Kelso.

life lessons.

I found this on Stumble. I thought it was worth posting.

1. First Important Lesson - "Know The Cleaning Lady"

During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"

Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say "hello."

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.


2. Second Important Lesson - "Pickup In The Rain"

One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car.

A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab.

She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home.

A special note was attached. It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others."

Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.


3. Third Important Lesson - "Remember Those Who Serve"

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked. "50¢," replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it.

"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. "35¢!" she brusquely replied.

The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left.

When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies. You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.


4. Fourth Important Lesson - "The Obstacles In Our Path"

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand - "Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition."


5. Fifth Important Lesson - "Giving When It Counts"

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year-old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes, I'll do it if it will save her."

As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheeks. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away?".

Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.

hatred.

There is just something I would like to talk about that bothers me quite a bit. I really hate it when people use the word "faggot". Honestly, it makes me so mad. It might be one of the top words i will not tolerate. Today at work someone said it and I asked them not to after but they kept saying it and I got really upset with them. I realized today how much I really hate it. It is incredibly rude, disrespectful, offensive and hurtful. Specially when someone uses it against someone who is gay. It infuriates me. Its a terrible word and I can't believe people can say it without even thinking twice. People that can just say things like that and not care.. make me think twice about them. I'm seriously so upset right now just thinking about it. After the incident at work, I was in a terrible mood. Terrible. I don't really think people understand what it is they're saying and how much it can hurt someone. It bothers me so much. I find it very sad how words like these, that are rude and hurtful, have become such a normal part of a person's vocabulary. It sickens me. Why is that? Why is it that people have no problem saying such discusting words? This among many others, of course. Racial slurs, rude words, name calling etc etc. What is wrong with people? Its like second nature for people to say offensive things, if you know what I mean. Its horrible. Another example would be calling someone fat. This is another problem. You seriously have no idea how that makes a person feel. It makes me mad even when people say the word "fat". SO MAD. Unless you are describing an object of some sort. Don't EVER use that word to describe a person. Its incredibly hurtful. Honestly, I just want to punch the person that says that to someone. Its so mean. Its judgemental and rude. Who do you think you are? Bodies come in millions of different shapes and sizes, because yours looks different than someone else's gives you NO right to judge them or be cruel. Its the same the other way around too. If someone is super skinny, heavier people have no right to make fun of them for that either. I feel like it happens more with skinnier people calling heavier people fat though. Either way, its rude & it hurts. Trust me, it hurts. Don't describe someone like that.. Even if they aren't around to hear it. Racial slurs need to stop, also. What kin of world do we live in where we can't accept differences. I know how that sounds, there's a millions different ways that people are different; culture, race, size, gender, sexuality, values etc. But what I'm talking about is race. I can't stand hearing someone use the "n" word. It makes me just as mad as when people say "faggot". Why must people describe others in that manner..? If you can call other people of your race by their name or whatever you call them by (because obviously you aren't racist to your own race), why is it SO hard to talk to someone from a different race the same? They are people. We are ALL PEOPLE. People, people, people. You get it? Drop the stereotypes of terrorists, or gangsters or whatever other kinds there are. Just stop, please. This is 2010 and its still happening? Why? Seriously ask yourself that. I bet you can't come up with an answer. Why do people use racist comments, why do we make stereotypes, why do we treat people different just because they have a different race. And don't give me some answer like "blah blah people are stupid". Well, yeah that goes without saying. But how about you try to think of an answer that makes sense. There is no reason to be judging someone because of the colour of their skin, or their accent, or their religion, or their country, or their values. NONE. So why? Why does it happen? Why are people called faggots, or fat, or too skinny, or some racial slur? I'd like to know because I can't possibly see a reason for it. Really, it makes me feel discusted, angry, and upset to be a "human" when this is what we've made ourselves into. If you are one of the people that does these things, don't even bother talking to me.

-Kelso.

err.

Hello! I don't really have much to update you with.. besides school being hectic and work being crazy. Of course a whole bunch of OSAP issues, just like always. Blah blah blah. Mom is coming down tomorrow to visit and what not which will be good :) Hmm. Something to talk about.. I am not going to talk about anything in particular. In order for me to say how I feel about something and be able to talk and talk and talk I must be upset or incredibly happy haha. There just isn't anything on my mind so TOO BAD FOR YOU. haha. Just wanted to let you know I'm still alive. So.. hi. Still alive. I'm going to bed. When something comes to mind, you will be the first to know. BYE.

-Kelso.

mom.

Today is Sunday. But I am going to be writing about yesterday and Friday. :) So Friday my mom came up for a visit! A sleepover, actually. I had to work during the day but she picked me up at 5! :) We went to my grandmas for a visit until like.. 8 pm. and then we stopped at the grocery store to get some snacks and headed to my house! We just kinda chilled and planned her birthday party for a bit and then we watched a movie. After the movie we were tired and went to bed lol. I slept on the couch, not happening again for a very long time. Bad sleep. But anyways, so then we got up at 9, thinking we were going to go to the trailer but then we couldn't because Sharon got a cold which sucked but that's okay! We had to go to Rob's and pick him up to take him to work so we did that and then stopped at Timmie's on the way back to get coffee on our way to my grandma's. So we went and visited her and Sharon for a few hours and then we went to my cousin Deb's :) That was fun, it was nice to see her. And her son Carter! So cute. But anyways, then she took me to work after that. And she went home. So that was my night with my maaaa. It was fun :).
It just sucks though because I came home Saturday night to my room and it felt so empty since she had gone home. I realized how far away she is and its hard :( I feel really isolated from my family, it sucks. Its a hard change to go through, I know it sounds weird because students and what not do it all the time when they move out. Maybe its different when you live over an hour away? I don't know. I just know its hard, at least for me. But it was a good night! It was nice to get to spend some time with her :) She always makes me feel better. Just hangin out or talkin about anything, not even whats bothering me, makes me feel better. I just miss seeing her all the time because we always have so much fun together! And my problems are easier to deal with her. My frother! hehe. You probably will not understand that so I apologize for sounding crazy there. Hopefully it will happen more often soon, I wish money grew on trees haha. Wouldn't that be nice.

-Kelso.

first day.

Today was the first day of school! YAY. I'm excited to be back, I've been off for a while (I hate you OSAP, thanks a lot). So now I'm here taking the PSW (Personal Support Worker) program. So far so good. I'll break down my day for you!
So first, I got up at 6 and caught the bus at 6:30 (BUH), getting me here for 7:30. So then I went to my class and sat there for a while until class started. My first class today was supposed to go from 8-11 but we were let out at 9:45 which was awesome. Talked to some people, made a friend haha. Awesome. But yeah so then I had a 2 hours break which I spent in SUB (as always) and Jessie met me there at 11. We wandered after a while looking for a STUPID WATER FOUNTAIN WHICH THERE SEEMS TO BE NONE OF >:|. But we found one. haha. Then he walked with me to class. SOOOO. Next class. Went good, seemed long. It goes from 12-2, and then I have another class from 2-3. So basically my teacher just broke down like, sheets we needed, the website, the class etc etc. After that was done (at 2) she took those of us that missed orientation to get our program package and stuff which was AWESOME because since she teaches our next class, we didnt have that class today. So we got to go early.
So here I am, in T building chillin until I have to go to work for 5. Which sucks. Because I feel so tired. Hahaha. But thats okay because its a "I did something constructive instead of sitting around doing nothing" kind of tired. Which is good. So now I get to go to work. Yipee.
THEN HOME TIME TO MY LOVING BED THAT I LOVE SO MUCH.

K so that was my first day. Maybe I'll tell you about my second day tomorrow!

-Kelso.

money, money, money.

I sometimes wonder what the point of anything is. That sounds really depressing, but that's not how I mean it. I mean it as, why do we need to do all of this stuff to be alive? Jobs, money, "luxuries", etc etc. That sounds stupid but I'm serious. A long time ago, people that were here didn't need any of that. We created it. What I'm saying is, why did we create any of it in the first place? You know how stupid that is? Everyday we trade pieces of paper for things we need to live. These pieces of paper allow certain people to have more & better things than other people. Why? Why was money invented in the first place? Lets say, in the beginning we discovered some sort of object or "product" that would benefit our lives. What I think is that money was just used so that only certain people were allowed to have whatever it was. This was the mistake, I think. Why can only certain people have these things? Shouldn't this object or whatever be available to all people that need it? Maybe money was created solely for a class system. Which angers me. Some of you are sitting there saying "Why do we need money? Well, it costs money to make these things. So that is why they are bought with money." No sense. Why does it cost money in the first place to make these things? "The equiptment etc" Why does it cost money for that too? It just doesn't make sense to me, we made everything so difficult. So complicated. Just to live under a roof there is 100 steps you have to go through. Just to make a meal, you need 100 things. To make money, you have to spend money. This makes NO sense to me. None what-so-ever. Anyways, I'm out of time, I'm going to the beach. I'll rant again later.

-Kelso.

busy week.

I have THE busiest week ever. I'm supposed to be moving my bedroom upstairs today but it all depends when Kelsie is moving out. Which is cool. I'm excited to go upstairs though. Tomorrow (Tuesday) I have a doctors appointment in the morning to get the rest of my T.B. test done, and I think all the vaccines I need. Then I have to work at 430. Wednesday I have to work. Thursday is the busiest day ever. I have to go to the doctors at like 8:30 in the morning to get my test read and all my papers done. Then I have my OSAP appointment at 10, and orientation at school at 1. Then we're heading to the Outback Shack and probably to Vic Park after. THHHEEENNNN I might end up going downtown with Allie and others. But I am unsure. But still! Pretty busy Thursday. Friday I hope to have my Paramed meeting and then have a party to go to, I think. Saturday I'm going to a show. Sunday I think I'm free! ahah. I have no idea why I just told you everything I had to do this week, just thought I'd share. Anywho, that's all haha. Gotta find something to do today ;).

OH PS. I got my screening done at the police station done, and my first aid course. Which is sweet. Except I have bruised knees.

-Kelso.

open your eyes.

As you know, things lately have been really shitty. And just now, I thought about something I should have thought about quite some time ago. Everytime my friends go through things like this, I give the the best advice I possibly can. Advice about how things will get better, no matter how shitty they are right now & how it can't last forever etc etc. Well, I sit here everyday, miserable in my room. I'm realizing that yes, it is difficult to make this situation a positive thing, but I'm just doing this to myself. Why do I sit here and intentionally be miserable? Continue to think about what is hurting me so bad. All the advice I give to people, I really should be taking for myself. Things like, the fact that if I look at things so negative, that's how its going to be. And that I am a strong person that can get through this mess, it can't last forever, shit happens that you just have to push through. Right now, all this advice seems like I'm speaking of things that are impossible but I know its true. I've been avoiding it, because all i want to do is be miserable and I have no idea why. I'm not even trying to be happy. I know its understanable to be really hurt about the situation I'm in, but honestly, I don't think I'm even trying to make it better. So I think its time that I change that. Being miserable is getting me nowhere. I think once I get moved into the upstairs bedroom, things will be a little better, I'll have more space from Keatin. Its kind of bitter-sweet in a way. I know it'll be good for me to get up there but at the same time, I have fun hanging out in the basement with Keat. I don't know why its even that big of a deal, we still live in the same house. But he's a caveman so yeah. Anyways, a little off topic. Point being, I've just thought about how I give people this advice to be strong and stuff but yet I can't do it myself. Or maybe its just much easier said than done. Either way, things need to be different. Going back to school will help, I'll meet new people, hang out with my friends, get my mind off all this shit. Give me time to myself. Also, I plan on going to spend time with my mom for a weekend or something very soon. I really need it. I've kind of attached myself to her through all of this, which I think is okay. Its really hard not having her here through bullshit. But anyways, yeah. I'll go see her soon. I wish I could go for a week but I'd be missing school. Maybe I can go during reading week or something. I don't know lol. I'm getting way off topic. My point is, I need to take my own advice. I need to realize that I don't give myself enough credit, and I am a strong person. Things will get better. I hope.

-Kelso.

betrayal.

Truth is, people just betray you. People you thought you could trust, people that sit there and lie straight to your face, people you called your best friends. It means nothing. I have officially learned that no one really cares about you. Everyone is selfish. They do what they want no matter how much it kills someone else. I have learned that I need to re-evaluate my friends but I have no idea whos lying to me and who isn't. Maybe all my friendships are just lies, who knows. But I now trust no one. No one at all. Everytime I do, everytime I let someone in or believe them about whatever it is, they just turn around and slap me in the face. They hurt me and they don't care. They say they do and they appologize but you know, if you did, you just wouldn't do it. Plain and simple. How dare you sit there and lie straight to my face and call yourself my best friend. Bull. I'm tired of this. I don't even know what else to say. I have nothing left to say. At all. I trust people, and care about them and look where it gets me. I have just had the worst day of my life. By far the worst day. And whos here to care? No one. Exactly my point. Just a little F.Y.I. Only count on yourself. Don't trust anyone. Everyone is just solely focused on themselves and in the end, you're all you got.

-Kelso.

day out.

Today was a pretty sweet day! Just gonna tell you alllll about it hahah :)
So, I got up and went to asian's house at like.. 12. ish. I sat on her step and collected her mail waiting for her to get home lol. So awesome. But anyways, we got on the bus and went downtown to hangout in Vic Park with Steve, Drew & Nate. Which was cool, we went to Prince Al's and then walked to Drew's place. So many shoes. Thheeennn we bussed to Fanshawe and chilled there for a bit, bussed to masonville. Steve went home and Drew went to work so me, asian and nate chilled for a bit, then me and asian bussed to her place where I harassed the heck out of her. She loves me. That sums it up, it's late and I don't feel like going into every little detail hahah. I started to and then quickly became too lazy to write everything out. Generally, I had a pretty great day. It was nice to go out and hang out with friends. I really needed it. So bad. You have no idea. Haha. So just to make things even more awesome, tomorrow I have my family bbq! Which is AWESOOMMMEEE. I've been looking forward to it for a while lol. I get to see my mom and my puppy! :) Miss them. The rest of my family, too, of course! It'll be fun I think :) OH and I came home today, found this website with a cat that is dressed in a suit, and you just make it dance however you want ahahhahaha its so amazing. So entertaining. Then you can make it a version of you, its just the best thing ever haha. Gooooodddd times. But anyways, that was my day, I'm going to bed pppcccee.

update: So the family bbq got cancelled again. My uncle is in the hospital. Which sucks :( I was really excited to see everyone and stuff & I'm worried about him. Hopefully everything works out okay and we get to have it soon. But on a good note, I spent a few hours with my mom & Darren today. OH and my puppy :) So that was good. Now just gotta find something to do tonight.

-Kelso.

advice.

I've been going through a rough patch. A very rough patch. And as much advice I give to my other friends, I can't seem to take it myself. I don't know what to do and I could really use help. Or maybe I need to stop thinking about other people and think about what I deserve. Its way harder than it seems. I can't forget the past, how things used to be and how different things are now. I hate it. Considering one of my biggest fears is forgetting and change. I feel as if I'm living in a dream, its weird. I have to remind myself every day that things are different and not how they were before. It makes me uncomfortable to be where I am. Right now I'm just full of so much anger and frustration and sadness, I don't know what to do with it. I don't know how to control how I feel. Everything hurts me & upsets me and I don't know why. I need to figure out what is important and I need to figure out who I am but I have no idea how to do it. I'm heading down a bad road though so I guess I should figure it out soon. Just people lately seem to be so rude and mean. I don't understand why nobody cares to listen. I don't know who my friends are anymore. Generally, it would be a lot easier if I could still live with my family. Theres been a lot of changes recently and its a lot harder than I thought it would be. I never thought itd be so hard being away from my mom and living in someone elses house. I've realized all the things I used to do at home, I'm really uncomfortable doing here. I miss a lot of stuff. Its bringing me down, constantly thinking about everything I miss. Guh. I've watched more movies than ever lately to keep me busy. I guess I should go out and see people but I can't think of anyone that I can go to whenever I want. Or someone that is always there to talk. Besides my mom, but I can't see her much. Anyways, I'm starting to rant. This post really has no topic, just needed to blurb about issues. If you're getting annoyed by it, just stop reading. I think I need to go away for another week with my mom or something. I don't even care where it is. I wish everything didn't cost so much dang money ugh. Anyways, that's my rant today. If you have any advice, let me know.

-Kelso.

personal gain.

The way I see it is, people create relationships with eachother for the purpose of their own personal gain. Whether it be to make you feel better, to get you discounts, to meet other people, to buy you things, for pleasure, for help in school, to get a job, someone to hang out with when no one else is available etc. etc. Whatever it is, Its very rare to find someone that understands you & you understand them. Someone that isn't only friends with you for some reason that benefits them. I have a couple of these "good" friends, that I am lucky to have. But truth is, more often then not, people put up masks even with "friends". They make you think they're one type of person and then they turn around and act like something completely different. Or they tell you your best friends, and then treat you like shit. How many people actually care about what happens in your life? The hurt you go through, the joys you feel, or the experiences you have. Honestly. People now are self-centred. No matter how much they say they aren't friends with someone for some reason that gets them ahead, they are lying. Because EVERYONE does it. Don't lie. In some cases its okay, as long as it works both ways, I think. There's people I call my best friends but lately I've been thinking about things like.. do they ever understand how I'm feeling? Am I important enough that if something is going wrong and I need support, they'd come over? Does my opinion matter enough that they don't get mad when I share it with them? If I'm crying or mad do they really care what's hurting me? Do they respect my values? Amongst so many other questions. And what's sad is, there are very few people that I can honestly say they do these things. Why? I ask myself all the time what I did wrong to them to deserve disrespect or being ignored. I know it sounds like I got a little off track with my topic but it isn't at all. Because if you are disrespected or ignored by someone you call a friend, then they obviously want something out of you that isn't a good friendship. Something that just gets them ahead. It just makes me so mad how no one gives a shit about hurting someone or using them or lying to them. Its just low and selfish. What is wrong with people? I am ashamed to live in a world like this & frankly I have had enough of the bull shit.

-Kelso.

favourites.

Looking back, I've realized that I have ranted quite a bit. So I figured this post would be about some things that I like. Awesome, maybe this could be the time where you can learn more about me. If you want. Either way.

I like..

the beach at night.
cold showers.
sunglasses. i only have like.. 10 pairs.
taking photos.
googly eyes.
reading.
archie comics.
video games.
doing laundry.
watching movies.
dill pickle sunflower seeds.
baking/cooking.
HGTV.
bizarro.
LA Ink.
fishing & camping. legit camping.
late night walks.
having nothing to do.
laying in the grass.
family get togethers.
bbqs.
reorganizing &rearranging rooms.
sorting things.
m&ms.
pizza buns.
slushies.
dinosaurs.
walking in sand.
being spontaneous.
going somewhere new.
learning about history & being in historic places.
beer cake (L)
everything music.
laughing really hard about nothing.
dancing & singing stupidly.
shoes.
not having a style.
going for random drives.
birthdays & surprises.
being awkward.
nature & space.
jurassic park.
concerts & plays.
swings.
picking hilarious cards.
escaping.
the trailer.
camp fires & marshmallows.
golf carts.
going on adventures.
sledding.
thunderstorms.
bakeries.
finding what you thought you've lost.
bubble wrap & bubble wrap dresses.
photo shoots with the brother.
bean bag chairs.
music boxes.
fireworks.
staying up all night.
fake accents, stupid faces, and immitations.
not being worried about getting dirty & having grass stains.
walking through half-built or abandoned houses.
the new book smell.
eating cake with my face.
the drive-in.
not being girly.
getting good news.
writing letters.
cheesy movie lines.
movie nights in the winter.
foaming soap.
new underwear.
cookie dough.
making a mess.
staying in pajamas all day.
jumping in piles of leaves.
climbing trees.
being barefoot.
pacman.
my scars.
"remember when"s.
old songs.
recycling bins.
sun on my face.
bright colours.
souvenirs.
making lists. haha.

more later.

-Kelso.

annoyance of the day.

Frankly I'm just really sick of people thinking they know what's best for me. Telling me what I do and do not need. Seriously, shutup. I've realized I don't have many friends that will just listen to what it is I need to talk about. They're always bad talking whoever it is I have a problem with thinking that it's going to make me feel better. wrong. It makes everything worse. It pisses me off so back the fuck off. I also have a ton of hatred when it comes to people being rude and talking shit about people when they don't even know what the fuck is going on. FUCK OFF. Some of my best friends recently have not known how to be a best friend. I don't want to hear your fucking opinion about the person I'm having an issue with. I don't want to sit and listen to you bitch about how bad of a person they are because of an issue that is between me & that person. Who the fuck are you to say anything? It just makes me so fucking angry. If I talk to you, I'm looking for advice, legit advice, or for you just to listen, not make my emotions and problems WORSE. You IDIOT. UGH. Seriously so annoying. I feel like I have no one real to talk to besides a couple people because everyone just wants to be an idiot about it. But anyways. that's my annoyance. People need to grow the fuck up and be adults. I'm tired of being around such immature people.

-Kelso.

in reality.

I just wanted to share with you guys something that really got to me. I'm watching t.v right now and this show called "If You Really Knew Me" is on. I'm sitting here wanting to cry about some of the things they're talking about. For those of you who don't know what this show is, its basically a large group of teenagers and adults that are judged based on how they act, what they like etc. and how there are so many things about them no one can see on the outside. They basically go through a group session where they share secret things about their lives that are pretty intense and really upsetting. They get to learn how alike they really are and to respect each other. Anyways, this show is amazing. I honestly wish everyone could do this. If everyone could share things like that or really take the time to know someone and what they go through.. I can't even begin to explain how huge that is. People have no idea what others go through. They pick on them and judge them and label them. In the show, they do this line activity where they all stand on one side of the line and the lady calls out labels or experiences. If they have felt that way, or experienced it, they cross the line. I'm sure some of you have seen this done before. But while they were doing it, it made them realize just how much some of them have been through and never knew. How much they separate themselves from others because they think they're nothing alike, when really they've experienced a lot of the same things, or the same feelings. I just think this show is amazing. I would like to see this happen all over the world. We are all equal, there shouldn't be judgment or cruelty based on what you don't understand & your differences. Its moving to see "walls" knocked down and people really getting to know eachother. Because under every tough skin or quiet person, there's a whole different story. I hope to see the day where there are no labels and rudeness. This show just had these four teenagers who would never have hung out before, hanging out. The activities they did brought them together with people they thought to be completely different. If anybody reads this, work on this. Seriously, you have no idea how important this is. Or how the people that you judged, really are.

-Kelso.

recent events.

Lately things have been getting a lot better at Keat's house & between the two of us. We had a conversation about how things were between us before I left for my camping trip and I didn't get over it, when I should have spent the week for myself and what not. So i brought it back with me and pretty much ruined the progress he had made in our friendship. However, a few days later we had another conversation to make everything clear and now we're better. Its difficult, yes. But I also talked to my mom yesterday which helped me a LOT. I feel a lot better about the whole situation now. I'm really glad i still have him as a friend and i've learned a lot from our relationship. So i'm keeping my glass half full for my mom. :) haha. laaammmeee. anyways. So i'm trying to see this as a really good thing and so far its going good. I feel like we're much better with eachother now than we were. But anyways, so thats how things are here right now. JIMMY IS AN ASSHOLE IN NAZI ZOMBIES. only because he assumed i was writing about them. so there jimmy, you nazi zombie asshole. Anyways. So things are good. I still feel like I need to get away for a weekend, still working on stuff. Still miss my mom. buhhh. But my friends are really helping through everything & talking to my mom everyday helps too. So thats iiitttt, on another note, jimmy is owning keat at nazi zombies hahahahaha loser.

-Kelso.

vacation.

Okay, so. Just got home today from my week away. I went to the pinery and to Jessie's cottage. I'll start with my pinery experience. It was awesome! Mainly because I love camping. But we got to do a lot of things! So my mom picked me up on Saturday and we headed out. We got there at 6:30 because we took a wrong turn in the campground and had to take the 12 km drive all the way around the park hahaha. Good job mom.

Anyways, so we got there and we started to set up our tent, at which point I stepped in poison ivey. Yay me. Good part is it didn't do anything to me which was awesome. Due to the fact some people get pretty bad cases including oozing. Which was not too appealing to me. lol. So we got all settled in the tent and there was a horrid storm that night. It was pretty scary! So loud and POURING rain. Then the water started to leak through the tent etc etc. Generally not a good night. OH and I dreamt there was an ear wig crawling inside the tent and that I had seen it going up the wall when there really wasn't. So basically I stayed up paranoid & looking for it for a good 2 hours. ahhaha good times. Anyways. So that sucked. The next day, we set up a different tent, and this time under the rain tarp lol. SO SMRT.

SO SUNDAY. We went to the Flea Market! It was awesome! Got some pepperettes and sunglasses and a nose ring lol. Sweeeeeet. OH and a slushie. We played a sweet arm wrestling game too lol. Then on the way out we took pictures with the big fire truck, mini cars, helicopter and tractor. Because we're lame like that. haha. That was a fun day. Ps. I woke up at 630 this day. :|

All the days are blurred together. So ill try to figure out what happened when but I make no promises.

Monday we went to the beach I think.. YUS. No. Maybe that was Sunday afternoon. Either way, My mom, Mitchell & I went to the beach :) Always fun. I think It rained monday.. Lets say it was monday. *shrug* Maybe it was tuesday. So Me, my mom & Karen went for a long walk along the river which was cool! And good excersize. We went to the store on the way back and got ice cream and stuff. mmmm. We went to the Visitor's Centre and that was pretty cool too.

I'm not even going to seperate days anymore. So me, Karen & my mom went for a nice bike ride to do some trails. They are awesome. Such a nice walk! Took pictures of course. The first one had a lot of uphill and a SWEET lookout where we could see over EVERYTHING. it was awesome!
We did another one that was REALLLYYY long (mainly because we took the extension to the beach lookout which really wasnt that awesome) The trail was nice :)

Wednesday night we went to Rum & Spirits which was awesome too. They basically (the people working at the park) put on a show where they dress up as people from the past and tell the story of the land & the pinery. It was really cool and they did an amazing job with it. :)

So we went to the beach some more, had awesome dinners, had awesome campfires & lots of marshmellows. Had some coolers & played a LOT of wildcard. omg. so much wildcard. haha.
OHOHOH. and my moms eyes got SO puffy one morning it was INSANE. If youve seen Hitch the movie it looked like his eyes when he had that reaction bahahahahah
It was weird. good times good times. We had another storm too, where we just kinda chilled in the trailer during it. OH AND we went deer-looking after Rum & Spirits which was cool.

What else. I can't think of anything else for the Pinery part.. Besides it was sweet. And I got eaten alive by mosquitos. Bleh. Anyways, moving on.

SO THEN I WENT TO JESSIES COTTAGE. why is that in caps you ask? I don't know. Anyways. That was sweet. It was me, Jessie (duh), Martin, Arielle, Mike, Rachael, Bhoo & Asian. It was good times. WAYYY too many "that's what she said" jokes. lol. Beached it up, had some talks. Chilled at the lighthouse. Love the beach at night. We went shoppin on the strip, cooooollll. Saturday was Bhoo's birthday so we had cake and awesome dinner! :) and they went to CoCo's that night, which I heard was crazy ahah. Me, asian, Martin & Arielle stayed home and watched South Park. Then Martin & Arol went for a walk and we went to sleep. Apparently I snore and asian couldn't sleep lol. My Bad. We went and played on the playground at night ahhaha. children we are. and then we chilled in the lifeguard stand hehe. What else. Went for breakfast mmmmm. and then beached. obv. Err.. yeah. Cool. ahha. Obviously played video games. OH we watched BeerFest lol. awesome.

Generally I had an awesome week. So glad I went camping :) k cool.

-Kelso.

week of awesome.

So! Today I went to the beach with Amanda & Allie (the best). It was sweeeeetttt, best beach day ever by far. It was so hot and the water was amazing. Buh. I got hardcore burnt though which is unfortunate. But none the less, a pretty sick day at the beach. It was also Keatin's birthday today & that was fun too! Dinner was awesome and his grandparents came over. Always a good time. So that was my day. Also, on saturday I am leaving to go camping at the pinery with my mom for a week. Siiicccckkkkkk. Pretty pumped for that, not gunna lie. More beachin, fires etcetc you know the drill. Then after that, right to Jessie's cottage for a weekend with my bestiiiesss and more beachin' hahaha. YES. I'm lovin' life right now. Pretty awesome. But anyways, thats all for now. My next post will be when I come back so have a good week!

-Kelso.

just sayin'.

Helloooo, so its been a few days. What I've been up to recently really isn't that exciting. I finally got my room all straightened out today which is aweeessoommmeee. Got a dresser from Keat's parents so my clothes arent all over the floor. Bunny is in the hall now so more room for me. Also, he has been able to go outside :) which is excellent. Got my dvd player and tv hooked up, pictures hung up etc etc. So its good. Oh yeah, I am also on a diet. So far its going pretty good, there are some things that I miss being able to eat like miss vickis and m&ms ahah. But its good, Im on the right track I think. I think maybe I'll just rant about some things that irritate me. Here it goes.

1. Little girls in bikinis. What is that about? I think its gross. They're children, seriously? Kids are supposed to be innocent & what not, not wearing little bikinis to show off their adolescent bodies. its discusting. I saw in this magazine today (a health magazine) a photo of these two girls & their mom in bathins suits. The one girl's bikini bottom rose so low that if she were a teenager, her pubic hair would be sticking out. it discusted me. Also, their tops were tiny. Is it just me or is this wrong? I mean, if it was a tankini that would be okay. But really? Bikinis on little girls? I'm sorry but I find that gross to show off your childs body. CHILDS. ugh.

2. People that makes plans with you and then make other plans instead. I find this incredibly rude. If you don't want to hang out then fine. But don't make plans with someone and then tell someone else you'll hang out with them. If you're friends, you shouldn't be treating them as an option. Grow up. It just makes the person feel like shit.

3. People that have no manners. Who taught you? Are "please" & "thank you"s really that hard? RUDE. Generally I just hate rudeness.

4. People that do not care about the planet. STOP THROWING OUT RECYCLING. SERIOUSLY. Or driving 2 blocks, littering etc. Biggest irritation ever. The world we live in right now is discusting. The AIR is even discusting. So much garbage & pollution. GET OUT AND WALK, RECYCLE & STOP MAKING OUR PLANET A SHIT HOLE. I hate every single one of you that does that. ALL OF YOU ARE FUCKING LAZY. fuck you im angry now.

5. Expectations. Why? Worry about your own life. Don't judge someone elses, don't force your opinions. Because you have an opinion, doesn't mean its right or wrong. Just shutup. People are different, just get over it.

6. Money. Why is everything about money? What purpose does money even serve? It sounds stupid but have you ever though about it? I think its just a way to segregate people into different class levels. Its stupid. If you think back, waaaayyyyy back to cavemen and stuff.. they didnt need money. Why do we need money? its all so dumb. It just makes people hate on eachother & think they're better/worse than someone else. stfu. I wish things weren't all about money but whats sad is that EVERYTHING IS.

I'm sure I have plenty more to rant about now that I am in a bad mood but Im not going to. Due to the fact I don't want to be in a bad mood. So on a happy note, things at Keat's are going good. I do miss my family & my dog a lot though. :( However, I'm sure I will see them soon. Feel free to voice your opinions on my rants. peace.

-Kelso.

new!

Hey bitches. So last night was the first night in my new room at Keat's house. It was good :) Though my room is small, I like it. I need to put more stuff at my dad's apparently lol. Such as this humungo bean bag taking up 90% of my room. bwaha. Anyways I like my room, its dark because I got up at like noon and my room was completely dark its sweet. But anyways, things here are good so far. I like harassing Keatin haha. Also, im so sick of cleaning the other stupid house, thank goodness that'll be done tomorrow. ugh. Anyways that was my update, more later. peace!

-Kelso.

party.

So, I had my party last night. It was okay. I guess I'll go into a little bit more detail. So, it started off Asian got there at like 8 and then Jen and Tyler showed up which was cool. And then some other people including Chels, Martin, Jessie, Braden, Britt & Dino. Then Courtney (my step sister) showed up with 4 of her friends that I didn't know was coming. But that was cool with me, they were just chillin at the beginning. I think they expected it to be some kind of crazy party though, which it wasn't. Then Keat, Chris, Leslie, Mel, Allie & Pat came. Which was sweet. So for a while everyone was just chillin and it was good. But then like.. the people I don't know are like jackin people's booze and hooking up in my room which was NOT cool. I don't deal with that shit. You come into my house, to a party you weren't invited to and disrespect me & my home. no. sorry. I had this party for my friends to come over and chill and have a good time, not for randoms to get hammered and hook up in my room. So I was pissed. Pissed. I went upstairs and freaked the fuck out, swearing and yelling at them to open my friggin door. I don't appreciate that. You know, it was cool that you came, its not a big deal to me if you're just there to chill and have fun. But you don't do that shit here. not a chance in hell. So then Leslie went and told them to leave and they did so it was cool after that. Courtney came back & I talked to her about it and it was a lot of fun just having her there chillin with us. She got along really well with my friends and my cousin when it was just her. So the rest of the party was fun :) Had a good time with my friends & family. Which was sweet. Then most of the people went home, had an emotional conversation with martin & jessie. Which was good because I really needed to talk. I felt much better after, they're always there for me :) But anyways.. So then it was just me, Braden, Courtney & Jessie left and they stayed over which was cool. We slept in the living room, ended up going to bed at 5 or something like that. Then this morning I felt like shit haha. Me, Jessie & Braden just inda chilled in the living room and eventually decided to play Monopoly. Which I owned at in the beginning and then totally lost hahah. Anyways to sum it up it was pretty good, I had fun for the most part :) Hopefully this won't be the last one, though it will be for the next year and a bit. At least if I'm hosting it hehe. Anyways that's it. All in all a good night.

-Kelso.

my house is empty.

So here I am. Sitting in my empty living room. I guess it isn't completely empty.. but I'm the last one here. Mom moved to Chatham today, brother moved out last week. My life for the next 4 days consists of sitting in my basket chair watching a movie on my tiny t.v & eating half of a watermelon. Not gonna lie, its really weird being here alone. Its weird not living with my family.. I don't like it. There isn't anything I can do about it though I guess.. But anyways. Point is, this is crazy weird and upsetting. Maybe watching Chuck & Larry will cheer me up? heh. On a happier note, might hit the beach tomorrow! Depending on the weather and transportation of course. Then my party is on friday, pretty pumped for that. Haha painting my room on saturday (not by choice) and moving on sunday! Action packed week I would say? Yep. But right now there is NOTHING to do here! & nothing to eat. I just played Scene It by myself, I'm that desperate. Sad, I know. hahahah. Anyways.. right now things are complicated. I feel pushed away by the person that I want to be the closest to. That I was the closest to.. Its just frustrating not knowing how someone feels. Everytime I say something, I seem to make them angry.. I don't get it. For those of you who know me, is there something I'm missing? Do I deserve to be treated rudely? Its getting hard to distinguish between what I'm doing wrong and what may be the other person's problem.. really confusing. Throw me some advice if you have some.

-Kelso.

robotic?

I feel like a zombie. I can find no better way to sum up me right now. I quite often find when I'm alone lately I don't think about anything. Or really even think what I'm doing. Sometimes. It sounds crazy when I read that. I find that my brain is "shut off" so to speak. Frozen? It is as if I blinked for a second and everything is upside down. In a few days everything will be different. Or more different than it already has become. Though sometimes I find myself just going through the motions, there are other times where I can't seem to stop my mind from thinking. Its frustrating. I find it easier to not think about things as much when I see people. Mainly Brittny. I've continued to ignore everything.. which is very unhealthy. I think everything is a bit surreal at the moment. I don't how I feel about it. As I said before, I feel zombie-like. I need to find a way out of this slump. Somebody take me on a vacation? Ha. That was funny, I know. ;) Anyways. Any advice? I know I could use it.

-Kelso.

happy father's day!

So first off, happy father's day everyone :) Or i guess all you dads out there. maybe not women and children.. anyways. Hope your day is going awesome so far? On top of today being father's day, it is also my dad's birthday. So last night i spent some time making him beer cake (best cake ever). However when it was finished, I just wanted to eat it; and since I wasn't allowed, I have decided to make another one. Right now. ahh yes. Should be good. I'm feeling good today. Have to do some more packing considering I move in a week! I'm not really sure how I feel about it anymore. I'm excited but at the same time, I don't want to live away from my mom yet. She's moving to Chatham and I'm really going to miss my house.. that we moved into 8 months ago. Grr. My life happens to be a tornado right now but today I'm feeling good. Beer cake should cheer me up haha. Also, yesterday I went to a cancer fundraiser thing at the Dawghouse. My dad shaved his head haha he is as bald as a cue ball at the moment. It was good times haha. I got to shave some of his hair which was sweet, Courtney went crazy with the shaving lol. Anyways, so it was good. Met lots of people, ate poutine. haha. If you're interested, you could check out my pictures from yesterday on my facebook. =] Anyways, gotta make more beer cake. Happy Father's Day!

-Kelso.

the good stuff!

Just thought I'd share some of my favourite songs with you :)
I'll continue to add to this list.

* Stop Crying Your Heart Out- Oasis
* Stand By Me- Ben E. King
* Blackbird- The Beatles
* Wherever You Will Go- The Calling
* Fix You- Coldplay
* Your Guardian Angel- The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
* Happiness- The Fray
* Breakeven- The Script
* Vindicated- Dashboard Confessional
* What Sarah Said- Death Cab For Cutie
* Everlong- The Foo Fighters
* The Funeral- Band of Horses
* Clumsy- Our Lady Peace
* I'm Gunna Be- The Proclaimers
* So Far Away- Staind
* New American Classic- Taking Back Sunday
* Joy To The World- Three Dog Night
* Forever Young- The Youth Group
* Everyday People- Sly and the Family Stone
* I'll Be- Edwin McCain
* Free Fallin'- Tom Petty

Check em' out! More later ;)

how rude.

I just don't get why people are so rude to eachother. Seriously, why? I'm tired of living in a world where people get so much satisfaction out of making other people miserable or feel bad about themselves. Who do you think you are? Really. How did we get to this point? Where everything is about image or being cool or just hating on people because you can. Just stop. Honestly enough is enough. I see all these people that talk shit out of nowhere and judge people because they live their life in a different way. Who fucking cares, honestly. Give it a rest. Just let them be happy, make their own mistakes.. or don't make mistakes. Who are we to tell one another what a mistake is? What is a mistake? Is there even an answer to that.. What makes things right or wrong? Nothing. Its people that make it so. So really what is there to hate over? Make fun of people for? Its pathetic. SO pathetic. All I want is for people to be nice to one another, empathetic, or understanding. And its sad that most of you that read that will think that sounds crazy. Think about it, seriously. What is the point in any of it? What good does it do. None. Absolutely nothing. But yet, we seem to get satisfaction out of it. We continue to do it. I hate it. If you have an opinion then fine, state your opinion. Doing so doesn't require rudeness and hate. Or because someone doesn't look like everyone else, dress like everyone else, act like everyone else. That means that they deserve to be made fun of? Hated? No. Didn't think so. Get a life. People just need to be happy. Let it go, chill. Throw away the negative and the pessimism. No one deserves to be treated like shit. I'm so sick of it, honestly. I don't want those people in my life. At all. Getting into huge topics, its the same with racism, prejudiced etc etc. Seriously.. why? WHY. I really don't understand it at all. Is it just me that wants peace and happiness? Feels sorrow when people are treated this way? I sure as hell hope not.

-Kelso.

Afterthought: Its the same with music. Theres a ton of different kinds of music. If you like certain kinds then fine. But don't go forcing your preferences on other people. Or judging them based on what kind of music they like. Personally, my music has a huge variety. From Toby Keith to ACDC to Jay Z to Beethoven to Annotations of an Autopsy to The Beatles to Katy Perry etc etc. Who cares? You like what you like. It doesn't make you any better or worse than anyone else. For all you people who walk around like you're so cool because you have a "good taste" in music, get over yourself.

hi.

Okay, so first blog. I figured it'd be a good idea to start one of these. Good place to rant? I hope. Anyways, I'm not writing much right now. Watching Harry Potter is priority at the moment. haha. Don't judge me. I'll write something more interesting next time, promise.

-Kelso.