busy week.

I have THE busiest week ever. I'm supposed to be moving my bedroom upstairs today but it all depends when Kelsie is moving out. Which is cool. I'm excited to go upstairs though. Tomorrow (Tuesday) I have a doctors appointment in the morning to get the rest of my T.B. test done, and I think all the vaccines I need. Then I have to work at 430. Wednesday I have to work. Thursday is the busiest day ever. I have to go to the doctors at like 8:30 in the morning to get my test read and all my papers done. Then I have my OSAP appointment at 10, and orientation at school at 1. Then we're heading to the Outback Shack and probably to Vic Park after. THHHEEENNNN I might end up going downtown with Allie and others. But I am unsure. But still! Pretty busy Thursday. Friday I hope to have my Paramed meeting and then have a party to go to, I think. Saturday I'm going to a show. Sunday I think I'm free! ahah. I have no idea why I just told you everything I had to do this week, just thought I'd share. Anywho, that's all haha. Gotta find something to do today ;).

OH PS. I got my screening done at the police station done, and my first aid course. Which is sweet. Except I have bruised knees.

-Kelso.

open your eyes.

As you know, things lately have been really shitty. And just now, I thought about something I should have thought about quite some time ago. Everytime my friends go through things like this, I give the the best advice I possibly can. Advice about how things will get better, no matter how shitty they are right now & how it can't last forever etc etc. Well, I sit here everyday, miserable in my room. I'm realizing that yes, it is difficult to make this situation a positive thing, but I'm just doing this to myself. Why do I sit here and intentionally be miserable? Continue to think about what is hurting me so bad. All the advice I give to people, I really should be taking for myself. Things like, the fact that if I look at things so negative, that's how its going to be. And that I am a strong person that can get through this mess, it can't last forever, shit happens that you just have to push through. Right now, all this advice seems like I'm speaking of things that are impossible but I know its true. I've been avoiding it, because all i want to do is be miserable and I have no idea why. I'm not even trying to be happy. I know its understanable to be really hurt about the situation I'm in, but honestly, I don't think I'm even trying to make it better. So I think its time that I change that. Being miserable is getting me nowhere. I think once I get moved into the upstairs bedroom, things will be a little better, I'll have more space from Keatin. Its kind of bitter-sweet in a way. I know it'll be good for me to get up there but at the same time, I have fun hanging out in the basement with Keat. I don't know why its even that big of a deal, we still live in the same house. But he's a caveman so yeah. Anyways, a little off topic. Point being, I've just thought about how I give people this advice to be strong and stuff but yet I can't do it myself. Or maybe its just much easier said than done. Either way, things need to be different. Going back to school will help, I'll meet new people, hang out with my friends, get my mind off all this shit. Give me time to myself. Also, I plan on going to spend time with my mom for a weekend or something very soon. I really need it. I've kind of attached myself to her through all of this, which I think is okay. Its really hard not having her here through bullshit. But anyways, yeah. I'll go see her soon. I wish I could go for a week but I'd be missing school. Maybe I can go during reading week or something. I don't know lol. I'm getting way off topic. My point is, I need to take my own advice. I need to realize that I don't give myself enough credit, and I am a strong person. Things will get better. I hope.

-Kelso.

betrayal.

Truth is, people just betray you. People you thought you could trust, people that sit there and lie straight to your face, people you called your best friends. It means nothing. I have officially learned that no one really cares about you. Everyone is selfish. They do what they want no matter how much it kills someone else. I have learned that I need to re-evaluate my friends but I have no idea whos lying to me and who isn't. Maybe all my friendships are just lies, who knows. But I now trust no one. No one at all. Everytime I do, everytime I let someone in or believe them about whatever it is, they just turn around and slap me in the face. They hurt me and they don't care. They say they do and they appologize but you know, if you did, you just wouldn't do it. Plain and simple. How dare you sit there and lie straight to my face and call yourself my best friend. Bull. I'm tired of this. I don't even know what else to say. I have nothing left to say. At all. I trust people, and care about them and look where it gets me. I have just had the worst day of my life. By far the worst day. And whos here to care? No one. Exactly my point. Just a little F.Y.I. Only count on yourself. Don't trust anyone. Everyone is just solely focused on themselves and in the end, you're all you got.

-Kelso.

day out.

Today was a pretty sweet day! Just gonna tell you alllll about it hahah :)
So, I got up and went to asian's house at like.. 12. ish. I sat on her step and collected her mail waiting for her to get home lol. So awesome. But anyways, we got on the bus and went downtown to hangout in Vic Park with Steve, Drew & Nate. Which was cool, we went to Prince Al's and then walked to Drew's place. So many shoes. Thheeennn we bussed to Fanshawe and chilled there for a bit, bussed to masonville. Steve went home and Drew went to work so me, asian and nate chilled for a bit, then me and asian bussed to her place where I harassed the heck out of her. She loves me. That sums it up, it's late and I don't feel like going into every little detail hahah. I started to and then quickly became too lazy to write everything out. Generally, I had a pretty great day. It was nice to go out and hang out with friends. I really needed it. So bad. You have no idea. Haha. So just to make things even more awesome, tomorrow I have my family bbq! Which is AWESOOMMMEEE. I've been looking forward to it for a while lol. I get to see my mom and my puppy! :) Miss them. The rest of my family, too, of course! It'll be fun I think :) OH and I came home today, found this website with a cat that is dressed in a suit, and you just make it dance however you want ahahhahaha its so amazing. So entertaining. Then you can make it a version of you, its just the best thing ever haha. Gooooodddd times. But anyways, that was my day, I'm going to bed pppcccee.

update: So the family bbq got cancelled again. My uncle is in the hospital. Which sucks :( I was really excited to see everyone and stuff & I'm worried about him. Hopefully everything works out okay and we get to have it soon. But on a good note, I spent a few hours with my mom & Darren today. OH and my puppy :) So that was good. Now just gotta find something to do tonight.

-Kelso.

advice.

I've been going through a rough patch. A very rough patch. And as much advice I give to my other friends, I can't seem to take it myself. I don't know what to do and I could really use help. Or maybe I need to stop thinking about other people and think about what I deserve. Its way harder than it seems. I can't forget the past, how things used to be and how different things are now. I hate it. Considering one of my biggest fears is forgetting and change. I feel as if I'm living in a dream, its weird. I have to remind myself every day that things are different and not how they were before. It makes me uncomfortable to be where I am. Right now I'm just full of so much anger and frustration and sadness, I don't know what to do with it. I don't know how to control how I feel. Everything hurts me & upsets me and I don't know why. I need to figure out what is important and I need to figure out who I am but I have no idea how to do it. I'm heading down a bad road though so I guess I should figure it out soon. Just people lately seem to be so rude and mean. I don't understand why nobody cares to listen. I don't know who my friends are anymore. Generally, it would be a lot easier if I could still live with my family. Theres been a lot of changes recently and its a lot harder than I thought it would be. I never thought itd be so hard being away from my mom and living in someone elses house. I've realized all the things I used to do at home, I'm really uncomfortable doing here. I miss a lot of stuff. Its bringing me down, constantly thinking about everything I miss. Guh. I've watched more movies than ever lately to keep me busy. I guess I should go out and see people but I can't think of anyone that I can go to whenever I want. Or someone that is always there to talk. Besides my mom, but I can't see her much. Anyways, I'm starting to rant. This post really has no topic, just needed to blurb about issues. If you're getting annoyed by it, just stop reading. I think I need to go away for another week with my mom or something. I don't even care where it is. I wish everything didn't cost so much dang money ugh. Anyways, that's my rant today. If you have any advice, let me know.

-Kelso.

personal gain.

The way I see it is, people create relationships with eachother for the purpose of their own personal gain. Whether it be to make you feel better, to get you discounts, to meet other people, to buy you things, for pleasure, for help in school, to get a job, someone to hang out with when no one else is available etc. etc. Whatever it is, Its very rare to find someone that understands you & you understand them. Someone that isn't only friends with you for some reason that benefits them. I have a couple of these "good" friends, that I am lucky to have. But truth is, more often then not, people put up masks even with "friends". They make you think they're one type of person and then they turn around and act like something completely different. Or they tell you your best friends, and then treat you like shit. How many people actually care about what happens in your life? The hurt you go through, the joys you feel, or the experiences you have. Honestly. People now are self-centred. No matter how much they say they aren't friends with someone for some reason that gets them ahead, they are lying. Because EVERYONE does it. Don't lie. In some cases its okay, as long as it works both ways, I think. There's people I call my best friends but lately I've been thinking about things like.. do they ever understand how I'm feeling? Am I important enough that if something is going wrong and I need support, they'd come over? Does my opinion matter enough that they don't get mad when I share it with them? If I'm crying or mad do they really care what's hurting me? Do they respect my values? Amongst so many other questions. And what's sad is, there are very few people that I can honestly say they do these things. Why? I ask myself all the time what I did wrong to them to deserve disrespect or being ignored. I know it sounds like I got a little off track with my topic but it isn't at all. Because if you are disrespected or ignored by someone you call a friend, then they obviously want something out of you that isn't a good friendship. Something that just gets them ahead. It just makes me so mad how no one gives a shit about hurting someone or using them or lying to them. Its just low and selfish. What is wrong with people? I am ashamed to live in a world like this & frankly I have had enough of the bull shit.

-Kelso.

favourites.

Looking back, I've realized that I have ranted quite a bit. So I figured this post would be about some things that I like. Awesome, maybe this could be the time where you can learn more about me. If you want. Either way.

I like..

the beach at night.
cold showers.
sunglasses. i only have like.. 10 pairs.
taking photos.
googly eyes.
reading.
archie comics.
video games.
doing laundry.
watching movies.
dill pickle sunflower seeds.
baking/cooking.
HGTV.
bizarro.
LA Ink.
fishing & camping. legit camping.
late night walks.
having nothing to do.
laying in the grass.
family get togethers.
bbqs.
reorganizing &rearranging rooms.
sorting things.
m&ms.
pizza buns.
slushies.
dinosaurs.
walking in sand.
being spontaneous.
going somewhere new.
learning about history & being in historic places.
beer cake (L)
everything music.
laughing really hard about nothing.
dancing & singing stupidly.
shoes.
not having a style.
going for random drives.
birthdays & surprises.
being awkward.
nature & space.
jurassic park.
concerts & plays.
swings.
picking hilarious cards.
escaping.
the trailer.
camp fires & marshmallows.
golf carts.
going on adventures.
sledding.
thunderstorms.
bakeries.
finding what you thought you've lost.
bubble wrap & bubble wrap dresses.
photo shoots with the brother.
bean bag chairs.
music boxes.
fireworks.
staying up all night.
fake accents, stupid faces, and immitations.
not being worried about getting dirty & having grass stains.
walking through half-built or abandoned houses.
the new book smell.
eating cake with my face.
the drive-in.
not being girly.
getting good news.
writing letters.
cheesy movie lines.
movie nights in the winter.
foaming soap.
new underwear.
cookie dough.
making a mess.
staying in pajamas all day.
jumping in piles of leaves.
climbing trees.
being barefoot.
pacman.
my scars.
"remember when"s.
old songs.
recycling bins.
sun on my face.
bright colours.
souvenirs.
making lists. haha.

more later.

-Kelso.

annoyance of the day.

Frankly I'm just really sick of people thinking they know what's best for me. Telling me what I do and do not need. Seriously, shutup. I've realized I don't have many friends that will just listen to what it is I need to talk about. They're always bad talking whoever it is I have a problem with thinking that it's going to make me feel better. wrong. It makes everything worse. It pisses me off so back the fuck off. I also have a ton of hatred when it comes to people being rude and talking shit about people when they don't even know what the fuck is going on. FUCK OFF. Some of my best friends recently have not known how to be a best friend. I don't want to hear your fucking opinion about the person I'm having an issue with. I don't want to sit and listen to you bitch about how bad of a person they are because of an issue that is between me & that person. Who the fuck are you to say anything? It just makes me so fucking angry. If I talk to you, I'm looking for advice, legit advice, or for you just to listen, not make my emotions and problems WORSE. You IDIOT. UGH. Seriously so annoying. I feel like I have no one real to talk to besides a couple people because everyone just wants to be an idiot about it. But anyways. that's my annoyance. People need to grow the fuck up and be adults. I'm tired of being around such immature people.

-Kelso.