future.

Recently I have had major second thoughts. I have no idea what I want to do as a career & I feel lost. My main issue is school. Everyone around me seems to know exactly what they want with their life.. and I have absolutely no idea. Im terrified of ruining everything for myself. I'm taking this program that I thought I would enjoy but now I'm in it and I just don't like it. I don't look forward to school or clinical at all. I dislike clinical. I don't know what I expected this program to be but I honestly don't think its something I'm going to enjoy doing. So I don't know what the point is spending all this money and time on something I'm hating.. something I'm not going to use in my future. It makes no sense to me. So I'm stuck. I want to drop the course and figure out what I want to do. I want to work and save money and have my own place. In general I want to start fresh. Work, get a place, save for school.. you know. I just want to do something I know I'm going to love doing and right now, this isn't it. I don't want to leave school though.. I love seeing my friends all the time and I LOVE being in school. But I need to figure out what my best option would be at this point. So 2 minutes ago I talked to one of my friends, who will remain nameless. And felt stupid for how I am feeling.. I feel judged. They said I was just going to drop out and not finish something just because its hard.. And that Ive dropped out twice because it gets hard. Which isn't the reason at all.. I'm honestly really offended and hurt by what they said.. I left General Arts because of financial crap.. and right now I'm realizing I don't want this. This is another reason I don't want to quit the program. I'm scared of people judging me. I'm not stupid.. or scared of finishing something.. I just don't think it makes sense to stay in this program if I really don't enjoy what I'm doing.. doesn't that make sense? I just really need to think about things and figure shit out. I'm tired of this. Any advice, let me know.

-Kelso.

turkey turkey.

I'm just going to tell you how AWESOME my weekend was. Ohhh man. It was just so good. It was nice to finally have a good weekend and get out with people that are awesome. But anyways, I'm going to rant now about its awesome-ness.

So first, was friday. Friday I had my Paramed appointment, which was good to get done. Then, I met up with asian and drew for lunch at prince al's. so good. We went to drew's and then the mall. Generally it was just a good time. That night, I went to Cowboy's with manda, allie, kemp, mark & dave. Which was sweeettt! :) Also a good time. Haha.

Second, saturday! Saturday I basically slept all day until 3, minus watching Crash inbetween sleeping. So then I went to work for like.. And hour because it was dead haha. Awesome. But thennn that night I went out with my work friends to jen's and then to Molly's & The New Yorker place. Me, jen, ang, fil, eddy, ash & clara went out. It was just so awesome. Oh and it was eddy's birthday! So we went from molly's to the other place and to sum it up, we were all pretty well in the bag by the time we left (cept ash, clara & eddy because they left). So me, ang & fil took a cab back to jen's and she wasnt there and so we left and went to ang's and timmies and then went to bed at 5. haha. Best night eveerrr. Except my mom picked me up at 10. lol.

Sunday! Mom piced me up from ang's place and we went to see my grandma at the hospital, went to Brendan & Allie's, did lots of running around and then at 6 finally went to pick Rob up at work and headed to Chatham for the night! So we got there and we just kinda chilled and what not. Apparently my dog now knows how to high five haha so cute! I missed her. So then today, we were still in Chatham. We chilled most of the day, then had turkey and stuff around 3 ish which was SO good. mmm. But now I'm really tired from eating lol. Mom drove us back to London & we went to my grandma's to visit with them and my aunt, uncle & cousin. So that was good too.

Generally I just had a friggin sweet weekend. So good.

when the music stops.

Hey guys. So I haven't really written anything in a while since I've been insanely busy with working and going to school. So I'll just randomly talk right now. I wrote my midterm yesterday, got 40/42, so im pretty pumped about that. I'm going to Chatham on sunday to see my mom and Darren for thanksgiving, so that's exciting too haha. Not a lot has been going on besides working and stressing about school ahah. Well I guess there has been but I really shouldn't talk about it on this. I'll touch on it. haha. I'm just really glad I have such amazing friends, I've realized that lately. How many people are there for me. My uncle is in the hospital.. apparently it isn't good.. so I don't know what is going to happen with that.. I can't even imagine what would happen if that ended badly. Oh jeez I'm getting myself upset. Moving on. I miss my family, my whole family. So muucchh. Ugh. What else am I even able to tell you.. Just dealing with a lot of difficult stuff right now.. but I gotta keep going. No matter how tough. I'll be stronger because of all of this, I know it. Or at least I hope so, I don't want this to be for nothing. Though I know that won't happen. Anyways, back to what I was saying. I guess I don't really know what to say. But there is something I'd like to talk about. So here goes.
So maybe I'm just crazy.. but right now I'm listening to music with my headphones in my room. Generally I'm having a shitty day.. and right now just isn't great. I want to go to bed.. but I'm scared to take my headphones off. Am I crazy? Has anybody ever felt like this? Probably not.. I'm afraid of the silence.. I'm afraid to leave myself alone with my thoughts. I don't want what I've been feeling all night to come back as soon as I turn my music off. So I'm sitting here, exhausted and not letting myself go to bed because I'm afraid. Of something as stupid as taking my headphones off. I wish my iPod wasn't dead. Then I could just go to sleep with them in. Honestly, does anybody know what I'm talking about? Right now I feel so dumb. But I'm seriously afraid. Maybe because of all the shit that I've been going through. I just don't want to feel shitty anymore. And I know that as soon as I go to bed, I'll feel that way. I won't be able to stop myself from thinking about everything thats hurting me. That scares me. I need something good to think about.. to keep my mind from thinking about the bad shit. Any ideas? I doubt it. its almost midnight. But anyways..
That's all. Still alive. Still functioning (for now).

-Kelso.

life lessons.

I found this on Stumble. I thought it was worth posting.

1. First Important Lesson - "Know The Cleaning Lady"

During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"

Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say "hello."

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.


2. Second Important Lesson - "Pickup In The Rain"

One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car.

A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab.

She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home.

A special note was attached. It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others."

Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.


3. Third Important Lesson - "Remember Those Who Serve"

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked. "50¢," replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it.

"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. "35¢!" she brusquely replied.

The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left.

When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies. You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.


4. Fourth Important Lesson - "The Obstacles In Our Path"

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand - "Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition."


5. Fifth Important Lesson - "Giving When It Counts"

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year-old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes, I'll do it if it will save her."

As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheeks. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away?".

Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.