I'm going through this thing right now where I just am unsure about everything. Well, most things. Sometimes I find that I don't understand myself. Does that make sense? I don't know what I want. Lately I've just felt kind of alone even though I'm not alone at all. I dunno. I kinda feel like I'm losing my best-friends. It just kind of seems like I'm not really important, or that I'm enjoyable to hang out with. Am I like that? Maybe I just suck to be around, I dunno. It sucks feeling like you care significantly more about your best friends than they do about you. Specially when you've been friends for so long. I feel like I'm on the same level as all of their other friends and I don't like that. Is that weird? Or selfish.. or wrong..? I just hate the feeling of.. I don't even know what this feeling is honestly.. Ugh. I just really don't understand why I feel the way I do about a lot of things. Like there are some things I just generally know are fucking crazy of me to think or feel. I just don't understand myself right now. I feel like I've been looking for someone to attach myself to.. not necessarily as a relationship but just as a friend or someone to distract me or help me or something I don't even know what. I have a huge wall up. I find myself constantly pushing people away when they get too close. I've been pushing everything down and ignoring everything its just stressful and hard to deal with. My life has changed so drastically in the last year and I feel that I've gone so far but right now I just don't know where I am. I mean, I know I'm happy with where I live and who I'm friends with and I'm generally happy with myself in most areas.. I think.. but there is something I can't figure out and I have no idea what it is. I think I just need someone that will listen and really care about my problems and well being. Someone that doesn't mind if I share personal things with or sob forever about something that is bothering me. Maybe that's what I'm missing. I just don't feel comfortable enough to talk to anyone about anything mainly because I'm afraid of being annoying or that they won't care or something. I don't know. This probably all sounds so stupid to anyone that is reading this. I just needed to write about all this junk so I'm sorry if this sounds ridiculous. Anyways, I don't know what I'm looking for. I really just wish things could be easy like before. Not even that long ago. Maybe just before boyfriends or highschool or finances.. I wish I could just randomly go hangout with my best friends whenever I wanted to. I think that's what I miss more than anything. Not even the no responsibility thing.. just not worrying about stupid things like boys and drama. I just want my life back in order. I shouldn't be dwelling on the past as much as I do, I know it doesn't do me any good but I can't help it. I can't let go of anything. I'm so afraid of losing everything that is important to me. Everything in this past year has made me stronger but at the same time I find myself 10x more defensive when it comes to people. I don't want to get hurt but like.. I'm kinda screwing myself over by not letting anybody get close to me. I'm probably causing my own problem. Well I am. Its not a question. I just wish I could understand what that problem is. I dunno. I've done enough blabbing about things that don't make sense. Thanks for reading if you got this far.
-Kelso.
