What is going on with me? I seem to have lost sight of what is important. Lately I've felt so alone and unhappy and I don't know why. Today, about ten minutes ago, I was sitting on my bed- and still am, I suppose- when I realized that I have no reason to be upset. Things are confusing right now and I don't know how I feel about a few things but I don't think I should be choosing to be upset. I just realized a few minutes ago that I'm wasting my energy being unhappy. So, as of now I am choosing to stop worrying so much about the things that are difficult right now. You guys, whoever is reading this, are probably sitting there thinking I'm pretty strange. If not, then thank you haha. But my point is, I know so many people that are constantly thinking bad thoughts or thinking things suck. This frustrates me to no end. I just feel like people sit and complain about everything that they're dealing with and everything that "sucks" and don't think about everything they have that is amazing or how the things they deal with can be used as an advantage. I feel like I'm an optimist. Yes? Maybe? I don't know. I just think a lot of people don't think about all the good things they have. I've dealt with a fair bit in the last year and I know its hard to change your way of thinking when you're going through bullshit but I'm honestly so happy that I did. I just see things so much differently than I did before. But to go back to my first sentence, the last little while I have kind of been confused about who I am. I went camping with some of my favourite people this past weekend and that was amazing. It helped me remember who I am quite a bit. Yesterday however there were a few events that have confused me. I feel like I don't give myself enough credit. I find myself criticizing (sorry I spelled that wrong) myself more often than not. It only occurred to me the other day when someone told me things about me that I thought the opposite about. Maybe I just need more confidence? Its hard. I don't know. For the last little while I've been secretly looking for something to help me figure myself out. What this something is, I am unsure. Maybe a trip, a person, a place, and experience? I have no idea but I think my camping trip was the beginning of something thats going to help me figure that out. Who knows though, maybe I'm crazy. I think I'm kind of rambling.. my thoughts all just kind of explode in an unorganized fashion when I write in this blog. I can start with one topic and by the middle and the end, I've talked about 20 different things that are unrelated. Don't mind me, I'm just confusing sometimes. Anyways, a few people have told me how good of a person I am and how nice and kind and fun I am. I don't see myself the way they do. Why is this? I'd like to figure out why people don't generally see themselves the same way as others do. Does this mean that we're kind of blind to ourselves? Maybe we never really figure out parts of our personality because what we see is different than what others see. Maybe the other people are right? Does any of this make sense? I think, on some level, what other people see in you is how you are. Obviously not in every way but in some way or another. Maybe we just don't appreciate ourselves enough or maybe we think its being vain to tell ourselves- "I am a good person, I'm selfless and kind, helpful and empathetic". I don't find that vain. Maybe we can't say this about ourselves because we all know something about ourselves that no one else does. Something that could be considered bad. I think mistakes are okay. Even if its a pretty big mistake. I think its a learning opportunity, something to grow from. These experiences make us who we are, they shape us. So yes, you may have fucked up but there's a reason it happened, whatever it may be. Recently I have felt like I have fucked up. Well, I have. But I'm undecided about whether or not I regret it. I don't think I should. I feel like you shouldn't have to regret things because at one time it was what you wanted, right? I think its important to act on how you feel. It may not always be a good thing to do but if you don't I think that would cause more regret than actually doing what you did. On an unrelated note, I don't know what I am doing with my life. For most people this is not okay, scary even. Right now though, I feel like that is okay. I don't think I want a plan for my life. Excluding a few things of course like a family or a job or a house. I don't want a timeline or a list of goals. I want to go with the flow. Does that sounds weird? I dont want to be robotic, going through life in stages, doing the same thing as everyone else. Sometimes I get scared about how much time I've wasted, but then I stop and think about why I think I've wasted it and realize I really haven't wasted it at all. I have wasted a lot of money, yes. But I think that the time I've spent figuring things out and screwing things up has been necessary to learning more about myself and what I do and do not want. Obstacles are important. I've fallen so many times, the important part is to pick yourself back up. That is the key. As long as you can do that, you're golden. Anyways, that is probably enough rambling for today.
-Kelso.
