confusion.

So since my lovely brother ditched my cat on me over a month ago, he still has not talked to me.
It just feels so good when your brother & best friend doesn't even care. I'm honestly so tired of this shit. So tired. Why can't people just grow the fuck up? I'm not getting into the whole story about the cat. I'm too tired for that and really kinda sick of talking about it. Point being, he doesn't talk to me and apparently doesn't care enough to try and fix this. Which is unfortunate because not having him is killing me. I'm sick of dealing with his bullshit though. It feels awful to be unimportant to your own brother. If I am important, he has a hell of a way of showing it. I can't deal with it anymore. There's just so much shit going on in my life right now I don't need this crap. I have a huge financial pile up, work full time, shit with a friend of mine, being away from my family, this stupid issue with him.. im just over it. I just need to be away. Solitary. Somewhere quiet. I don't know what to do. I'm debating moving away. I don't think that would solve anything though.. if anything I may make things worse for myself but who knows. Even being at home stresses me out.. theres no equal effort into cleaning here. Giulia and I clean up all the time.. its getting really frustrating. I need my own place. My own space with my own stuff. Not that I don't like the people here its just frustrating.. I don't know. Anyways. I wonder if what I write about is even interesting to anyone. Probably not. It probably just sounds like me whining and bitching about a lot of things. I don't really care, honestly. It makes me feel better when I write about stuff I'm frustrated about. So if it annoyes.. annoys.. i dunno. if it annoys you please go away. Moving on. I don't really know what to write about tonight.. there is so much going through my head but Its kind of personal to write about, so i'll save you the details. Tonight I've been thinking about my uncle who passed away almost a year ago. It doesn't seem like a year.. but it almost has been. I still don't think its gotten to me. I feel like I keep ignoring it and pushing it away. I want to go visit the cemetary but im afraid of coming to that realization. Not that I haven't been upset or anything like that but it still feels weird. Like it isn't real. I don't know, that sounds weird to say. I was talking to my roommate and I told her it feels as if it happened to someone else. I miss him all the time but I dunno.. its hard to explain. I don't know why im rambling about this but my point is I've been thinking a lot about it and I've been wanting to go visit. Everytime I plan to go though I just don't. I think I'm honestly afraid. Has anyone else ever felt like this? I feel like I'm crazy. I dunno.. I just want my life to make sense and nothing, NOTHING, makes sense right now. I'm drowning in my own thoughts and problems and I don't know how to get out of it. anyways, its bed time so ill write more in a few days. Night.

-Kelso.