forgotten.

So tonight was a good night up until about 5 minutes ago. I now find myself miserable & lonely. Why? Well, I decided to flip through my scrapbook. Normally this shouldn't make someone sad I don't think. However, that wasn't the case. It got my thinking. I've realized as of recently that I have completely forgotten, well, not forgotten so much as ignored or haven't bothered at all to think about, my life before 2 years ago. Two years ago I moved in with my roommates. Just to make it clear this isn't a negative post about my roommates because they are amazing people. Anyways, I've completely pushed it away & every time I think about it, it shocks me how much I haven't thought about in the slightest in the last few years. 

For example, the co-op I grew up in along with all my childhood friends. Not that I don't remember them but its crazy how I spent 16 years of my life there, my entire childhood, and it hasn't even crossed my mind. I know this sounds absolutely retarded but it seriously scares me how little I've thought about anything besides the present. I've forgotten about all my high school friends & everything we did together. Things that I've experienced & people I really cared about. I haven't even thought about how different I am now and how everyone has drifted apart. I've forgotten about the person I used to be & everything thats shaped me. Besides the big things of course. I don't mean i've forgotten everything, I mean it more as I've pretty much pushed my entire life to the back of my mind. I feel like it's important to remember where you've come from & what you've done. The people you've met & the times you've had. More things I've ignored & pushed away: my stepdad. Or my ex-stepdad? Whatever you want to call him. Its awful. So awful. Him & I may not have gotten along all the time or always seen eye to eye but he was a part of my life for 15 years & after my mom, brother & I moved out, we pretty much dropped him. Haven't talked or seen him in years & I feel so awful to the bottom of my soul awful about it. How could we do that? I mean we were his kids pretty much and then one day we just left. Its terrible. But anyways, my point is I've completely forgotten about how big of a part he played in my life. Seriously Its crazy how much stuff I have completely forgotten about. Or haven't thought about I mean. I don't know. It really bothers me... Like.. what is wrong with me? Forgetting about my life with my family, the shit I went through a few years ago, how that made me feel & how it brought me to where I am, my first love & relationship... All the people I used to be SO close to.. how does someone forget things like that? I moved into Fanshawe House 2 years ago almost to the day & I have had so many amazing & memorable times with my roommates & friends even after we moved out of there and into a new house. But ever since i've moved in there (and here) I've ignored everything I've gone through & experienced, everything that used to be important to me. I mean obviously people grow up & move on but I feel like its SO important not to forget where you came from & why you are who you are. 

I love my roommates & friends I have now to death, I really do. They are such amazing people & I'm so blessed to be able to call them my best friends but like... I've realized lately that the people I now call my best friends know nothing about me... There's almost no one that knows anything about me or my life. There's probably about 4 people that know anything. It just blows my mind how I'm so close to these people and they know nothing about, well, me I guess. I've realized that I've lost a LOT of friends. I don't know if that was my fault or if we just kind of drifted apart but it sucks. It sucks because I sit here when I'm home alone and I can't think of one person to even call to hangout. I can't think of anyone to talk to when I need to vent or anyone that would just want to come over. Like.. outside of my roommates, I pretty much have NO friends. I could count on probably one hand my friends outside of my house. I mean friends that are actually good friends. Not work friends or people from school or people you know through other people that you call your friends. No. I mean people that enjoy spending time with you. People that care if you're upset. People that you can laugh & be yourself with. I pretty much have none & its been eating at me for the last while. Its just like, I blinked & everything was different. I became this different person & the friends I had weren't my friends anymore. The things that used to be important just weren't anymore. I've adapted to this completely different lifestyle that I've been sucked into and so absorbed in that I don't even think about my life outside of these people & this house and that scares me. Its kind of terrifying that thats happened. I know it doesn't sound like something I should be freaking about but one of my biggest fears is forgetting & that's all that has been happening. A big reason this scares me is because the old Kelsie would have never let that happen. 

That leads me to the point that I have NO idea who I am, where I'm at or what I'm doing anymore. I'm lost. I don't know how to get out of this rut I'm stuck in & I find myself unhappy a lot of the time. I miss just being purely happy ya know? I don't know. I don't really understand much right now. I need to figure things out along with figuring myself out but I have NO idea how to do that. None. I miss having stability in my life. I guess thats what I need to work on. Anyways I've exhausted this writing. 

-Kels.